Three chapters down! 40 more days to go! I am feeling some
cautious optimism about this project today.
Just in time, then, for a really long passage. It’s our
first parable and the analysis, and it’s one of my favourites. I feel that
every time I hear the parable of sower, I want to go, “Rah! I am good soil! See
my good soil! I will fertilize and water and will grow!” Which is somewhat
ironic, because A., I always kill my plans (I have even killed cacti and those
unkillable ugly plants), and B., I don’t spend as much time as I need to on my
spiritual growth.
But I feel inspired. I want to be a good plant. I want to be
produce a good crop. The issue, though, is that I want to do it in part because
I want to shine over the others. I don’t feel inspired to be a good plant for a
good plant’s sake. I want to be a good plant so I can shine over others, and I want
to be a good plant so I can win and be exalted. I want the bountiful crop. I want
everyone to look at me and go, oh, she’s doing it right.
And I’m not, really, doing it right. I mean, I think I’m
doing it more right than wrong. I do think I’m on God’s side—I am a child of God,
as mentioned last week. And part of me does want to do it because I’m in love
with God, and want to please Him, and that’s what I want to do. But there’s
part of me that is doing it just because I feel obligated to a long-ago
promise, and there’s part of me that is doing it because I want to beat other
people.
Do the ends justify the means? Sometimes, maybe. If you give
money, for example, to a cause, it doesn’t matter if you are doing it for the
tax benefits or because you believe in the cause; the cause still wins. That
might not be a perfect metaphor, but there’s a nugget of truth in there. And
like I said, I’m mixed. I’m not purely selfless—obviously, I’m not purely
selfless—but I want to be, and I want to love God. I just want other
things too. Maybe that’s why things are the way they are.
But isn’t everyone this way? Nobody can be purely good for
purely good motives. Some people are good because they are brainwashed into it,
their minds unable to survive. I’m not that. I know there are other ways to
survive, and I can probably thrive. Some people are good because they want to
be exalted, and that’s not me either. I don’t just want that. I want the
relationship with God, first and foremost. I’m not selfish, either.
So what’s my standard of measure? I think I might have
multiple standards. Maybe everyone does. But I want to be good, and I want to
love God. The deepest part of me wants those things. That’s what I’m after. But
other layers (onions have layers) want other things too. Is that okay? I think
it might be, for now.
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